Yesterday was a tough day for me. You might be asking what brings me down from one day to another.
It is the physical pain and weakness in my body that sometimes gets to be too much not allowing me
to really do anything for myself. During those painful and weak periods, I require help to get out of my
own bed, brush my own hair, walk from one place to another, and even the need to use a straw for drinking since my hands get so weak that I can't pick up a small glass of water, even when it half full. Now the pain is the worse. It feels as if I am being pounded all over with a hammer. I cannot sit, stand, or lie in my bed because everything hurts. These periods of pain usually last a day or two. Every once in a while, they can go on for days.
It is so hard to try and hide this pain from my loved ones even though I try so hard.
I smile but inside I am screaming for the pain to stop. But my children are no fools, they can see it in
my eyes and that makes me feel horrible. I feel useless and a burden to everyone even though they say I
am not. Still, I feel very guilty for putting all this weight on them. And then I get so sad, and my sadness
begins to have a domino effect where any other memories of pain and sadness begin to come into my head
while I lie in my bed somehow paralyzed by the pain. Sometimes I wish I could run away
and hide, disappear so I can no longer feel like a burden.
But I can't. I am not strong enough.
So instead I begin to push everyone away. Away from me so they won't see my suffering.
But they refuse to go and instead continue very lovingly and patiently help me.
I wish I had the strength to go for a long walk in the rain.
I wish I was strong enough to run and play with the children in the park.
I wish I felt no pain when I shake a friendly hand.
Oh, how I wish... I wish for so many things, so many beautiful things I could do if the pain
would go away.
But the pain never goes away. It has been part of my life for years now. Thankfully most days
the pain is bearable, I am so used to it by now. But on those days like yesterday, I just wish I
could just close my eyes to stop the pain. But as always, I like to see the positive and the light in the darkness.
So if I feel pain that means I am still alive when I was supposed to have died at six months old.
I came back to life and every day after has been a gift, a beautiful gift, pain and all.
To me, that means that my pain is like a gift to remind me that I have made it this far.
And in some way, I should be thankful for this pain.
Today, my pain is bearable. Today I smile. Today I live again.
Thanks For Reading!
♥
Credits On Me
TRUTH Angel Hair ● *PKC* LeL EVO X Bejeweled ● *AGATA* Riley dress / flower-D
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