My heart was literally hurting by the pain, and it wasn’t just a matter of speech.
It was pain... real pain.
It felt as if someone had just given me a good kick to the chest, lending the force of their heavy boot
right on my heart. I kept pressing my chest in a fist, trying to make my heart stop from hurting,
but it wasn’t working.
The pain stubbornly refused to go away and instead weakened me into a fetal position on my chair
with no tears in my eyes, even though they all were eager to come out as eternal cascades.
But somehow, I managed to stop the tears from coming out,
flooding me inside and drowning me in a deep despair.
The more pain I was feeling inside, the thicker my skin felt on the outside. It was like I was building
a hard fortress, a metal armor, as if that was gonna protect me from the pain that I was feeling.
But the pain was already inside me. It had already made itself welcome and inhabited
every room in my heart, uninvited, cruel, and unmerciful.
But oh well, at least I wasn’t gonna let anyone get too close to me again.
Now, I was facing the world behind my walls, inside my shell, and behind a shield of armor.
I knew now not to trust every smile because evil tends to hide behind the most beautiful smiles.
Just like Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus to the authorities by kissing him on the cheek in the Garden of
Gethsemane, a smile can hide so much evil behind and bring us so much pain.
Was I becoming something that I didn't like?
Had Second Life begun to change me?
Mistrust was my new protection..
Anyone from now on who needed to say something to me would have to do it from a distance.
In my mind, I felt that the fewer people I let near, the less chance of me getting hurt.
Now my world, my life, was composed of a very few that could be counted on the fingers of one hand and still have fingers left. A few hearts are attached to mine, but with a constant fear of still getting hurt by them. It wasn’t a matter of "if" but of "when" this would happen. It was a matter of waiting because of everything I had experienced before. That was the one thing that I was never able to stop, getting hurt, hurt by the trust and the love I had shown to some.
- lori novo
"I'll stand on my feet, but not today
I'll hit delete, throw it all away
I'll be so sweet, right to your face
But when you leave just let me cry
Get it all out baby..."
Credits
KUNI - Isa Hairstyle ● KMH - Hair CP020 Natural Pack (Bangs) ● Kibitz - Rye's Earrings - Gold ● :V.e. Jennifer Dress MT Black
Yesterday was a tough day for me. You might be asking what brings me down from one day to another.
It is the physical pain and weakness in my body that sometimes gets to be too much not allowing me
to really do anything for myself. During those painful and weak periods, I require help to get out of my
own bed, brush my own hair, walk from one place to another, and even the need to use a straw for drinking since my hands get so weak that I can't pick up a small glass of water, even when it half full. Now the pain is the worse. It feels as if I am being pounded all over with a hammer. I cannot sit, stand, or lie in my bed because everything hurts. These periods of pain usually last a day or two. Every once in a while, they can go on for days.
It is so hard to try and hide this pain from my loved ones even though I try so hard.
I smile but inside I am screaming for the pain to stop. But my children are no fools, they can see it in
my eyes and that makes me feel horrible. I feel useless and a burden to everyone even though they say I
am not. Still, I feel very guilty for putting all this weight on them. And then I get so sad, and my sadness
begins to have a domino effect where any other memories of pain and sadness begin to come into my head
while I lie in my bed somehow paralyzed by the pain. Sometimes I wish I could run away
and hide, disappear so I can no longer feel like a burden.
But I can't. I am not strong enough.
So instead I begin to push everyone away. Away from me so they won't see my suffering.
But they refuse to go and instead continue very lovingly and patiently help me.
I wish I had the strength to go for a long walk in the rain.
I wish I was strong enough to run and play with the children in the park.
I wish I felt no pain when I shake a friendly hand.
Oh, how I wish... I wish for so many things, so many beautiful things I could do if the pain
would go away.
But the pain never goes away. It has been part of my life for years now. Thankfully most days
the pain is bearable, I am so used to it by now. But on those days like yesterday, I just wish I
could just close my eyes to stop the pain. But as always, I like to see the positive and the light in the darkness.
So if I feel pain that means I am still alive when I was supposed to have died at six months old.
I came back to life and every day after has been a gift, a beautiful gift, pain and all.
To me, that means that my pain is like a gift to remind me that I have made it this far.
And in some way, I should be thankful for this pain.
Today, my pain is bearable. Today I smile. Today I live again.
Thanks For Reading!
♥
Credits On Me
TRUTH Angel Hair ● *PKC* LeL EVO X Bejeweled ● *AGATA* Riley dress / flower-D
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