August 22, 2011
Not too long ago I was imprisoned in a controlling relationship
where most of the decisions concerning my life were made for me, even the smallest ones.
I was told when I was allowed to get close to him and to what extent
to later be pushed away as if I was disposable. This was a pattern that kept
repeating itself over and over for an extended period of time.
Friends were chosen for me by him and the ones that I had personally chosen
were being unfairly judged and ridiculed just for the mere fact
that they didn't fit his standards.
He would constantly label me as an "unstable" person bringing my self-esteem
all the way down to the ground. Sadly, I allowed his words to have so much power
over me to the point that I started doubting my sanity and consequentially
I would find myself feeling ashamed of my existence. His verbal and mental abuse
towards me always disguised as a loving concern for my well-being,
blinded me and I believe that this person genuinely cared and he became my everything.
I placed all my love and trust in him and simply chose to close my eyes
not realizing that I was sleeping with the enemy.
Don't get me wrong, the only person I have to blame for all these is myself
since I allowed it to happen. The love and admiration I felt for him blinded me
to see that an escape from this unhealthy relationship was possible.
All I had to do was break free and never look back and that is exactly what I did.
After I had had enough, I realized that I had been stepped down and spit on
sufficiently and I deserved better. I just wish I had broken free long before
from the chains he had wrapped me in, I wasted so much time...
I had to learn to survive on my own and after many tears shed and a broken heart,
I started becoming strong. Away from him and with time, I discovered the great
potential in me to exceed in life, something I couldn't see before due to his
controlling fist that kept me down. It was as if the unstable, insignificant and
worthless Lori perished during the escape and a new strong and determined Lori was born.
Now that I am able to exhale freely and walk in life without having to be led by his
controlling authority, I have become adventurous and a risk-taker.
I am not afraid to speak up and demand respect if I feel I am being treated poorly.
I set rules for myself and for those who dare try to cross the line with me.
I can be brutally blunt when necessary and I will definitely not allow anyone to pressure
me into something I don't want to. I choose who I want to be with but especially
how much of myself I am willing to give to each person in my life.
Unfortunately, it seems the past is trying to make its way back into my life.
Sneaking gradually through a little gap that I forgot to close, he has occasionally
managed to sneak in and disturb the peace that I have worked so hard to find.
What is very upsetting is the fact that he still thinks he has some control over me
and over my life. Judging my every move and decision has become his main target
but what he doesn't realize is that I no longer need him and he has become an
undesirable nuisance to me.
I am a forgiven person and it is in my nature to always see the good
in every person no matter how bad this person might be. In this relationship,
I was extremely hurt to the point that I had to learn again to trust people.
I was very hurtfully labeled, judged, disrespected, and stepped on. But I will honestly
say this, I forgive him for the hell he put me through. I do it for myself and not for him,
I don't want hate to poison the wonderful life I am now creating for myself.
I also realize that is very important to forgive myself for allowing this to happen
so I can be able to move on not caring a heavy load of guilt on my shoulders.
However, I made the terrible mistake of allowing him to get close to me once more,
but this has helped me to see how strong and independent I have become.
I am a strong woman that deserves the best and I will no longer settle for less.
So the next time he comes by knocking at my door the only thing he'll be seeing
is stars when I slam it to his face.
Photos Taken At
The New Champagne Rooms Burlesque Theater in Seraph City, Seraph City - Moderate
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